Monthly Archives: November 2011

MediateTrix Part XIII: Does infidelity have to be a marriage ender?

HuffPo published this article about infidelity today.

It got me thinking about the ways that mediation might be able to help a couple who is struggling with the complex and intense emotions related to an infidelity.

As a family mediator, I’ve come to realize that there is usually  not a ‘bad guy’ and a ‘good guy’ in the case of an affair. That is not to diminish any of the related emotions or the feelings of betrayal and/or guilt experienced by the couple, just an observation I’ve made many times.

Often, not always, but often, an affair is a symptom of a larger relationship issue. Relationships are complicated and solutions are often complex as well.

Some couples, who are reluctant to try therapy, seek out ‘couples mediation’ to solve marital disputes. Couples mediation is a task oriented, focused conversation about creating a plan to move forward. It can be very effective to help couples have the challenging conversations that are needed to work past an infidelity or other marital problems.  Mediation can be a medium in which the couple can talk, but also can make an action oriented plan.

I’m not in a position to pass judgment on whether engaging in an affair is a worse crime than other ways one can mistreat one’s spouse. I genuinely do not have an opinion. There are many different ways to hurt those that one loves the most. And, what matters most isn’t what I think about a set of circumstances, what matters is what the parties to the mediation think, after a process of informed decision making.

What I do know is that if there is a willingness to, an affair can be an opportunity to examine a relationship and see what, if anything, went wrong. It could be a chance to make what was an unhappy marriage a happier one.

Sometimes, an affair is a marriage ender.

But, it is way too rigid to make a blanket statement like “an affair will end my marriage” without a context. Marriages and families are complicated, and so is divorce.

That’s why it is beneficial not to have preconceived notions about affairs,  and to view them as one of many problems that a couple can face. I know an affair can cause a pain that pierces through the reality of what a person thought their marriage was really about. There are, in some cases, however, ways to move forward stronger and better.

Forgone conclusions usually aren’t the best solutions to challenging problems.

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MediateTrix Part XII: Good people at their worst?

This article appeared on the HuffPost page. It comments on why divorce brings out the worst in people. I have a few thoughts as well.

When I was in law school, my family law professor said “criminal law is often bad people behaving their best, and family law is good people at their worst”.  At the time, I just accepted that as fact, but now, (too many years later to mention) I am left to consider the reasons why divorce and separation cause people to behave in ways that are out of character.

Clearly there are obvious causes of bad behavior. Hurt, pain, betrayal, addiction and all of the other challenging emotional states that divorce and separation evokes. Divorce and separation cut very deeply and the challenges of co-parenting and communicating with someone who has caused you pain are not to be belittled or minimized.

But, it seems to me that it is a bit of a cop out to blame it solely on the emotional state of the participants. Surely there is more to the story.

There is also a systemic reason for the extreme and sometimes inexplicable behavior of people going through a divorce. The immense pressure and powerlessness that an adversarial proceeding can put on a couple can and does result in people reverting to ‘survivor mode’. A lawsuit amplifies an “attack-defend-attack” mode of interaction that is completely antithetical to how a functioning family ought to behave.

This state of affairs is not any one actor’s fault. The lawyers are doing their jobs within the system as are the judges and the litigants. A lawsuit of any type is extremely stressful, a family related disputed even more so.

The issue is that divorce is a family matter with a legal element, but it isn’t strictly a legal problem. And therein lies the rub. The court system is not designed to make challenging parenting decisions, to help you figure out what is best for your child (soccer or ballet or even more seriously, where they ought to live). If forced, a judge will decide but everyone in the system knows that in the vast, vast majority of cases this is not the best outcome.

If parents knew about the options they had available to them in the realm of divorce “products”, like mediation and collaborative law, they might feel more empowered to make different choices.

They will still feel the angst and the pain, but they might find the best in themselves and each other instead of the worst.

 

 

 

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MediateTrix Part XI: And, how much will that cost?

This article is the main one on the Huffington Post divorce section page today. It asks “what are the 10 biggest mistakes people make in divorce court”

There is nothing wrong with the article per se, but it just made me wonder how these mistake making people got to court to begin with. A much larger, more challenging issue is whether people who find themselves in court in the context of divorce are there by choice, because they’ve made an informed and thoughtful decision to be there.

It makes me wonder whether or not they’ve really been made aware of the different types of ways to go about divorcing.

Many people believe that divorce is strictly a legal problem and that all decision making needs to be delegated to consulting professionals: lawyers, accountants etc…

But, as a mediator, my message is one about choice. There are ways to retain decision making authority, to manage a divorce (depending on the type of conflict one finds oneself embroiled in). One of the biggest ways is to inform oneself.

I think the biggest mistake people make in matrimonial litigation is not asking a very important question:

“And, how much will that cost?”

As mediators our quest is help people make informed decisions. When trying to decide how to proceed in any litigation, but especially in a family or divorce litigation, it is essential to understand what moving forward means.

It is one thing to sit in a lawyers office and ask the question “what am I entitled to under the law?”, but the answer given is rarely complete. The biggest costs of litigation are the transaction costs.

In addition to substantial lawyer’s fees, how much time will “X” result take? How much money will it take to get it? What is the process? What will happen to the other’s involved?

Those latter questions are rarely discussed in the context of matrimonial litigation. And that is wrong. Lacking appropriate information people make choices that don’t reflect their intention.

I’ve heard this many times; “if I only knew then what I knew now I would never have engaged in a custody dispute” or “I’ve spent more on the litigation that it would have cost to settle”.

As consumers of divorce services, people have the right to know what they’re buying. And sometimes, when properly informed, they don’t like what’s for sale.

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MediateTrix Part X: To Stay or To Go; what happens when getting divorced is the question?

To stay or to go: What happens when whether or not to get divorced is the question?

What happens when you know something is wrong and think you want to get divorced but aren’t sure?

How can you and your spouse figure it out?

Mediators can be instrumental in helping couples examine the reality and consequences of divorcing and of staying married. In order to make informed decisions people need information and most people do not know a lot about divorce, other than what they read in magazines or see on TV. Those mass media depictions of divorce are rife with inaccuracies and usually depict families with a lot of resources.

Back in the real world, however, many people struggle with this issue alone and do not have support making an important and life altering decision.

An option that many don’t know exists is working with a mediator to mediate whether or not to get divorced. It is a challenging conversation that can get heated so quickly a couple can easily find themselves in a conflict trap that renders effective communication impossible.

Having an honest and structured dialogue about what the process of getting divorced would entail, (and/or what the process of staying together in a different way that might look like) is fair game for mediation.

In my experience, many couples decide on divorce before really examining if that is what they want to do. It isn’t that people make the decision lightly, it is that in a time fraught with pain and hurt and anger, it is sometimes difficult to take a moment and really examine the consequences of the decision to divorce. It might be that it is exactly what is needed and wanted, but what a shame if it isn’t.

Before filing papers and getting on the ‘divorce train’ find out if D-town is actually where you want to go.

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MediateTrix Part IX: Mediators are architects, not nurses.

This is the MediateTrix’s response to the HuffPo article  which suggests that mediators are the ‘nurses’ of the divorce profession. Wow. I had a surprisingly strong reaction to that suggestion. I say all of what I’m about to write with a keen respect and appreciation for the work that nurses do. (my own hospital experiences would have been much much worse if I didn’t have great nursing care).

BUT, to analogize mediators to nurses is just a bad comparison. The article, while well intentioned, makes an assumption that I don’t agree with. Nurses work within the hospital system to help care for patients and support the work that doctors do. But, let’s be frank, the doctors run the show–they make the decisions. (Honorable for sure, but not comparable to what mediators do).

Mediators are not actors within a hierarchical system like a hospital. The system that exists largely shuns our work. Popular culture promotes and idealizes adversarial divorce, our society teaches us that divorce is a legal problem.

What isn’t readily apparent is that the legal system is a rational one designed to deal with rational problems. People getting divorced are not purely running the numbers, they are emotional, they have complex needs that require complex multi-faceted solutions.

Divorce is a family matter with a legal element and mediators know this.

Mediators work to create environments where couples can come to a resolution about the matters between them respectfully, based on informed decisions and an understanding of the reality they face together. Mediators do not work in a structured system. We work in “the shadow of the law” to support and empower those who are getting divorced.

We help couples learn that they are entitled to make their own decisions in as non-adversarial a manner as is possible. External professionals like lawyers, accountants and therapists are present to support the parties in that informed decision making process. But, ultimately, the final terms are up the participants.

If anything, mediators are like architects, building a new system from scratch, one brick at a time. We collaboratively create a place where people can realistically live and parent and move forward with their lives. We are designing and creating better ways for people to get divorced and to co-parent. There is nothing wrong with being caring and helpful. But we also get the job done.

Our definition of a “successful divorce” might be different but that is nothing to sneeze at.

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MediateTrix Part VIII: Is it ethical for attorney mediators to draft separation agreements for unrepresented clients?

This article was published in NY Dispute Resolution Lawyer 8 (Spring 2011). It is my response to an article suggesting that it is unethical for mediator-lawyers to draft separation agreements for non-represented clients. I hope you find it useful.

Best regards,

MediateTrix.

Draft Dodging? An ethical analysis of mediator-attorney drafting.
By Cara M. Raich

In the Fall edition of this Journal, following the release of an ABA ethics opinion on the subject, Professor Elayne Greenberg’s Ethical Compass column raised the important question “is it permissible for mediator-lawyers to draft Separation Agreements for their unrepresented clients?” This article will continue the dialogue that Professor Greenberg began.

There are at least three pertinent questions: (1) is it permissible for mediator-lawyers to draft separation agreements. (2) if it is permissible, what are best practices for mediator-lawyers engaged in drafting; and (3) are parties competent to ignore the recommendation to seek the advice and counsel of a consulting attorney.

To explore these questions fully, each needs to be examined from two perspectives, through the mediator’s lens and through the lawyer’s lens. The mediator’s perspective requires understanding the applicable sections of the Model Standards of Family and Divorce Mediators, (“Model Standards”) which have been adopted by most if not all the major family and divorce mediation organizations. The mediator-lawyer’s perspective must include the ethics guidelines and case law that govern standards of practice for attorneys because mediators who are lawyers are subject to these rules as well.

Because both sets of ethics apply to mediator-lawyers concurrently, each must be examined to answer these questions thoughtfully and completely.

Before beginning this analysis, it is important to acknowledge that in a perfect world all parties would have consulting attorneys. Many of the concerns raised by Professor Greenberg are resolved when there are attorneys supporting each of the parties, advising them and reviewing-or drafting- the final divorce agreement. Further, the Model Standards require parties to be informed of the benefits of consulting attorneys.

The presence of consulting attorneys is valuable and the preferred standard because their presence ensures the parties are fully informed of the law from their own perspective, they are protected from future challenges to the agreement and all of the conflicts of interest that Professor Greenberg raises as concerns are no longer present.

That being said, the question here, and the question posed by the ABA Ethics Committee opinion on which Professor Greenberg opined, is whether mediator lawyers are permitted to draft separation agreements for parties who choose to waive the right to separate counsel and elect instead to proceed solely with a mediator-lawyer.

Question 1: Is it legally and ethically permissible for mediator-lawyers to draft Separation Agreements?

Mediation Ethics:

Many experienced mediators will act as a mediator and will draft the resulting agreement for parties who waive consulting attorneys, believing that drafting is an integral part, a continuation, of the mediative process. Because the mediator-lawyer has been present throughout, the mediator has the best knowledge of the terms, tone, motivations and context of the agreement made by the parties. The Model Standards and the ABA Section of Dispute Resolution Committee on Mediator Ethical Guidance both support this practice.

First, Standard VI, Par. E of the Model Standards states that “with the agreement of the participants, the mediator may document the participants’ resolution of their dispute. The mediator should inform the participants that any agreement should be reviewed by an independent attorney before it is signed.” (Emphasis added)

This section apparently refers to a legal agreement that has been drafted by the mediator and that t will be signed. It does not refer only to a Memorandum of Understanding (“MOU”), which is a summary of issues mediated, since a ‘resolution,’ as contemplated in the Model Standards can be interpreted to include a Separation Agreement, and that document, once signed, is the resolution of a divorce action.

Furthermore, in June of 2010, the ABA Section of Dispute Resolution Committee on Mediator Ethical Guidance issued Opinion SODR-2010-1 (“Opinion”) . This Opinion, which prompted Professor Greenberg’s article, contemplated the question of the permissibility of mediator-lawyers drafting agreements. The Opinion provides that the Model Standards contemplate and permit the practice, so long as certain ethical considerations are met. The Opinion states, “the Committee sees no ethical impediment under the Model Standards to the mediator performing a drafting function that he or she is competent to perform by experience or training.”

Legal Ethics/Case Law:

In January of 2001, the New York State Bar Association Committee on Professional Ethics addressed the question “May an attorney engaged in matrimonial mediation draft and file a separation agreement and divorce papers that incorporate terms agreed upon by the parties in the course of the mediation?” The question was answered in the affirmative by Opinion 736 . Opinion 736 confirms that mediators may draft agreements (and actually file the divorce papers as well) subject to certain important restrictions.

Opinion 736 examined the problem of mediator drafting as if it presented a problem of dual representation by a single lawyer, rather than a neutral provider of a legal service. Even from this perspective, the Committee provides: “in short, under the disinterested lawyer test of DR 5-105(C), the lawyer may not represent both spouses unless the lawyer objectively concludes that, in the particular case, the parties are firmly committed to the terms arrived at in mediation, the terms are faithful to both spouses’ objectives and consistent with their legal rights, there are no remaining points of contention, and the lawyer can competently fashion the settlement agreement and divorce documents…” In other words, a divorce mediator may draft a Separation Agreement for parties, subject to these express conditions (the issues between the parties must be specifically and completely resolved).

Another relevant ethics provision applies to any lawyer acting as a third party neutral, including mediator-attorneys. New York Rules of Professional Conduct Rule 2.4 (Rule 2.4) defines what “third party neutral” means and states: “Service as a third party neutral may include service as an arbitrator, a mediator, or in such other capacity as will enable the lawyer to assist the parties to resolve the matter.” (Emphasis added.) Rule 2.4 also instructs attorneys acting as third party neutrals that they must inform, and ensure their clients understand, that the lawyer is not representing them individually.

Professor Greenberg suggests that implicit in Rule 2.4 is a third-party neutral’s obligation to refrain from conduct that might be misconstrued to be lawyering, such as giving “legal advice, providing legal representation and legal drafting.” While it is clear that the rule prohibits a third party neutral lawyer from representing or advising one of the parties, it is not clear at all that the rule prohibits disseminating neutral legal information in the mediation or legal drafting for both parties once they have agreed to such an arrangement.

In fact, the language that permits the neutral lawyer to act in such “other capacity as will enable the lawyer to assist the parties to resolve the matter” implies that drafting is permissible because the resolution of a divorce action is a Separation Agreement. A third party neutral acting in the context of a divorce mediation cannot assist the parties to completely resolve their dispute without discussing some legal issues in the context of the mediation itself and without memorializing the parties’ intentions in the document that represents their agreements, the Separation Agreement.

The question that merits further consideration is the definition of representation. Opinion 736 recognizes that the neutral legal service provider “does not ‘represent’ either party as a client for purposes of the conflict-of-interest rules and other rules governing the lawyer-client relationship.”This recognition applies to matrimonial and family mediation by the express terms of Opinion 736. However, the Opinion reasons that there is a transformation in roles at the point in time at which the Separation Agreement and divorce papers must be filed. At this point, the Opinion states that the lawyer neutral is: “representing two clients who expect to become facial adversaries in a matrimonial litigation, and the representation would be subject to DR 5-105(A) and (C), which address the joint representation of clients with differing interests.” It is, perhaps, this characterization that causes a logical problem – why is the neutral no longer a ‘neutral legal service provider’. Presumably, if all the matters between the parties have been resolved, and an agreement was drafted, the parties do not expect to become ‘facial adversaries’ but rather expect to be filing for an uncontested divorce.

Case Law:

In Levine v. Levine New York’s highest court discussed the propriety of joint representation. In that case, the wife brought an action to set aside a separation agreement as inequitable and unconscionable. The attorney who drafted the agreement had been an acquaintance of the husband and wife for a number of years and agreed to draft it after the parties had reached an agreement on the terms. The trial court found that the attorney remained neutral throughout his involvement with the parties. In its unanimous decision, the Court of Appeals stated “while the potential conflict of interest inherent in such joint representation suggests that the husband and wife should retain separate counsel, the parties have an absolute right to be represented by the same attorney provided there has been full disclosure between the parties, not only of all relevant facts but also of their contextual significance, and there has been an absence of inequitable conduct or other infirmity which might vitiate the execution of the agreement.” (Emphasis added.)

In other words, in New York, divorcing couples have the right to elect to use one divorce representative provided they have entered into the relationship with informed consent. It cannot be inferred from Levine that the Court of Appeals meant “joint representation” in a divorce proceeding is joint representation in reaching agreement but only up to the drafting of the Separation Agreement.

In permitting the lawyer to act as a neutral and to mediate divorces, the ethics committees and the Courts have entrusted the mediator-lawyer with getting informed consent to help the parties address, and possibly resolve, the matters between them. It is clear the mediator-lawyer must meet the Levine requirements to be neutral and honest in advising the parties regarding the choice they are making to hire their mediator-lawyer to draft their Separation Agreement and also to ensure that as the drafter, the mediator-lawyer has met the disinterested lawyer test. Once done, however, it is not clear why drafting the agreement should be treated differently than helping parties reach the terms of the agreement in mediation.

Together, the Model Standards, legal ethics, and case law, plainly permit a mediator-attorneys to draft Separation Agreements.

Professor Greenberg also uses for support of her argument that drafting should be avoided by referring to particular practice in New York that should be corrected. Professor Greenberg comments on mediator-lawyers creating a “fiction in which they draft the agreement and pretend to represent one party, while the other party is pro se. Wink! Wink!”

This comment refers to the practice connected with the filing of divorce petitions in court to which Separation Agreements are appended. Parties are asked to sign a waiver stating that the mediator-lawyer, only for the purposes of filing the paperwork, is acting as a representative of one of the parties, the plaintiff. But the waiver makes it clear that the mediator-lawyer was not acting as anyone’s specific representative during the course of the mediation or during the course of drafting the Separation Agreement. Further, the waiver is ethically permissible per New York Rules of Professional Conduct Rule 1.2(c) which states “A lawyer may limit the scope of the representation if the limitation is reasonable under the circumstances, the client gives informed consent and where necessary notice is provided to the tribunal and/or opposing counsel.”

This practice should not be necessary; it undermines the good work that mediator-attorneys do for families. The forms and the law still view divorce cases, even uncontested ones, as adversarial matters that must be filed by a “plaintiff”. There is no box on the form for one who prepares such documents to file them as a ‘neutral’ or ‘mediator-lawyer’. The lack of this option sullies a process that was conducted with thought and care to at the very last stage. It flies directly in the face of the Court of Appeals ruling in Levine.

To properly honor both the letter and spirit of the relevant case law, ethics and best practices in the realm of divorce mediation, mediator-lawyers, should have the ability to submit uncontested divorce papers as neutral representatives of the parties. The forms and practice should change. But because the forms are inconsistent with the law and the ethics rules, they do not provide a justification for denying consenting divorcing adults the ability to select a process that they, by all other measures, have a right to choose.

Question Two: What are best practices for mediator-lawyers engaged in drafting?

Given the ethics opinions and case law, the question is not if the mediator-lawyer can draft the parties’ agreement, but rather, how can s/he do it responsibly, ethically and competently?

Professor Greenberg’s article raises a valid concern that terms could be added to a Separation Agreement when transmuting an MOU into the form of a legally binding document or contract. Are there terms that are routinely put into a legal agreement which are not explicitly discussed during divorce mediation sessions? Are there drafting choices that implicate the final resolution but are not apparent to the parties? There are two ways to address this concern; both intrinsic to mediation best practices.

The first is competence. It is clear that before a mediator-lawyer puts a pen to paper to draft a separation agreement, s/he must be competent to do so. Standard II of the Model Standards states “A family mediator shall be qualified by education and training to undertake the mediation”. (Emphasis added.) Further, the parties must be in total and complete agreement on all matters and the lawyer mediator must also comply with Rule 1.7 by obtaining a written waiver confirming the parties’ understanding of the role of the mediator-lawyer as drafter.

Drafting these agreements is complex and nuanced. It cannot be overstated that mediator-lawyers who do not have the requisite drafting skills and legal experience in family law should not be offering this service. Lawyers and mediators have a positive obligation to be knowledgeable about the law and mediative skills; work that falls under the auspices of Rules 1.7 and 2.4 is clearly not exempt from these requirements. A task is not impossible because it is challenging and requires conscious attention; drafting these agreements included.

The second way to address the concerns expressed in Professor Greenberg’s article, is that all terms of the agreement, whether ‘boiler plate’ or ‘legalese;’ whether the choice of a ‘should’ or a ‘shall’ or a ‘must’ or a ‘may;’ the number of days in a default provision etc…must be reviewed by, understood by, and agreed to by each party to a mediation. If there is a decision to be made, mediators must allow the parties to make it. Parties must be made aware of the implications of each section and clause of their Separation Agreement. This is true whether the parties have separate counsel or not, but the practice takes on a greater significance if the parties are not seeking the guidance of separate consulting attorneys.

Question Three: Are Client’s Competent to Waive Their Right to Seek Counsel from a Consulting Attorney?

At the core of Professor Greenberg’s concern is a question of judgment; just because the parties are allowed to select their mediator-lawyer for drafting purposes, should those of us concerned with best practices comply? Professor Greenberg’s position is that we should not, the conflict of interest is too great, the danger is too high and the potential damage to mediation as a profession is too profound.

At base, Professor Greenberg does not believe that parties who are in the midst of the trauma of divorce are competent to waive their right to separate counsel. Given that self-determination is a foundation of mediation, and is at the root of the Court’s holding in Levine, the mediation profession must allow parties to make decisions that feel right to them. Certainly, from the perspective of the Model Standards, parties must be told of the benefits of consulting attorneys, but parties are not required to hire them to work in the mediative process.

From a legal ethics perspective, so long as the potential conflict of interest is waived in writing, parties are permitted to hire the attorney of their choosing. In addition to Levine, there are many different cases in which the Court of Appeals clearly suggests that consenting adults may choose to hire the same attorney for drafting agreements.

Divorcing couples have the right to select one representative in a divorce mediation context and Rules 1.7 and 2.4 explicitly address how the parties must waive the right to separate advisors. The parties’ right to autonomy includes the right to craft their own process. If we respect that right to choose as a profession, we cannot mandate the use of additional representatives in the face of informed consent.

If we ignore the parties’ ability and right to make this decision, we are mandating increased costs and lack of autonomy. In essence, by disallowing mediators to draft agreements we’d be requiring parties to pay twice for drafting, as the mediator would have to draft an MOU and lawyers would have to transmute it into a Separation Agreement.

If we believe that the mediative process belongs to the parties and that they are the best experts in their own lives, it is paternalistic to take the position that parties cannot understand what they are giving up by electing to have one person mediate their divorce and draft the resulting Separation Agreement.

Furthermore, if we believe that parties are not competent to make a decision about consulting attorneys, how are they then competent to make decisions about parenting and finances? Surely these decisions are just as significant and parties make these decisions competently while in conflict.

Is it really a more ethical position for the profession to take to eliminate choice, to suggest the parties are incapable of understanding their own interests? Can we have a professional rule that makes it impossible for parties to avail themselves of rights provided in ethics opinions, case law (and the Constitution)?

Whether or not to provide the service of drafting Separation Agreements for unrepresented parties is ultimately up to individual practitioners. Professor Greenberg is correct that drafting for unrepresented parties is a complex question that requires thoughtful attention. The choice to do so should be considered carefully, as described here. But the final analysis should include a careful assessment of party self-determination and the profession’s responsibility to respect the foundations upon which it is built.

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MediateTrix Part VI: December Dilemas Part 2- Plan. Partition. Party!

Last time I wrote about why the “holiday conversation” is so challenging. People are invested in tradition and history around the holidays.

After a divorce, parents have the opportunity to create new, and sometimes lasting, holiday rituals. It is important that parents genuinely consider not only what may have been lost or altered, but also the chance they have to create new, fun and meaningful holiday memories.

It is essential that holiday plans honor the important place parents have in their children’s life, in addition to honoring larger family commitments.

So, there are many things that help eleviate some of the tension.

Plan. (advance planning is key)

Partition. (divide the holidays in ways that make sense for the situation)

Party! (enjoy the holiday season!!)

Plan. Parents have to plan for the holidays well before the holidays. A holiday planning meeting in the summer, if possible, can set out expectations and avoid disappointments. It also enables parents, with confidence, to explain to the children what will happen during the holidays.

Below are a few different models that I’ve seen people use.

Partition. In my mediation practice we encourage parents not to think of time in 24/hour blocks, but rather in segments of the day. So, for example, while Christmas is typically thought of as Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, there are many other ways to think about Christmas.

If parents live within close proximity to each other, the day can be divided into Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, Christmas afternoon, and Christmas dinner. That expands the options available to parents. Parents who come into our office stuck on Christmas might be able to come to an agreement about dividing up the day in a way they hadn’t been able to consider when the holiday is rigidly defined. Further, celebrating on different calendar days expands to pie too. Kids get to have two Christmas mornings.

Some parents, if appropriate, share that early morning period, visiting each other, to share gift giving with the kids. Other parents divide up the day making making sure that the children have time with both parents.

The point is that parents seek to expand the options of how to spend and define these ‘memory making’ days so that each is honored. Also, having a clear plan helps the kids know what to expect, and if there is no fighting or tension, the kids have a better day.

If dividing the days into segments isn’t appropriate, parents might consider the ‘on year/off year’ approach. Some parents will say “on even years I’ll take Thanksgiving and you take Christmas and on odd years we’ll switch”. This way, each parent and their children share a complete holiday experience and it also enables travel to allow children to participate in family traditions out of town.

Party! Whatever method used, parents ought to consider the main goal of the holiday season is celebrate the good, not amplify the bad. Don’t forget to make the holidays fun!

Plan. Partition. Party!

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MediateTrix Part VI: How to avoid December Dilemas (Part 1)

December Dilemas Part 1: How to avoid conflict around the holidays.

With Thanksgiving around the corner, my mind turned to how challenging the holidays can be for families who are transitioning from being married to being divorced. Part I of this post is about being mindful, as either mediators or parties to a mediation (people who participate in mediation are often referred to as parties–although we know divorce mediation is anything but a party!) of the emotional context in which the conversation is taking place.

It goes without saying that special occasions, like the holidays, evoke strong emotions. Often the holidays are spent with family. Time spent with family gives rise to family dynamics, both good and bad and great and terrible.

That’s why we’ve all heard such extreme stories about how people experience the holiday season–the good, the bad and the ugly all seem to manifest during this time of year. Since the holidays are rooted so deeply in expectations and ideals it is not surprising that some of the most emotional dialogue in mediation revolves around how children will experience the holidays after their parents separate.

For people who have had wonderful holiday experiences, they cannot imagine not having their children with them at their Aunty Em’s house for Thanksgiving or at their Grandma Edith’s for Hanukah.

For those who have had bad experiences, they want the opportunity to forge happy memories with their children and do not want to be robbed of the opportunity to do so by having the kids spend holidays with the other parent.

For those who have had terrible experiences with their soon to be ex’s family, the thought of not having their children with them and knowing they will be spending such an important time of year with people they no longer love, and sometimes no longer trust, can be heartbreaking.

So, as a mediator I have to talk with parents and all of their holiday emotions when we talk about parenting and the holidays.

I view anyone who enters the mediative process in a genuine way with respect and admiration. It is not easy to participate in a divorce mediation. When parents dig their heals in about holidays, I have only one thought in mind, and that is to genuinely understand what is going on for them.

The same ought to be true for parents who are trying to have this conversation alone, to really try and honor the whole context in which the other person is trying to make decisions around the holidays.

A well crafted dialogue, that rests on a foundation that allows for open, honest and frank exchanges is the only way to help parents craft a holiday parenting plan that will leave each parent feeling like their place in their child’s life and in their child’s future holiday experiences is being properly honored.

Part II will explore different plans that I’ve seen work for families over the years. This is tough stuff, but it isn’t insurmountable- it just might feel that way.

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MediateTrix Part V: Why Financial Settlements are Parenting Decisions

There is an extricable link between financial settlements and parenting choices.

Parents often profess, quite sincerely, that their priority is their children as they make their way through the transition from being married to divorced–and thereafter.

We all know the stories about the “Smiths” or the “Jones'” who “totally screwed up” their kids because of their divorce. Most of the people who I meet mention those who they deem to have had a bad divorce, usually their own parents, and they express a strong desire to ‘do it better’ for their own children.

We also hear a lot about schedules, weeknight dinners, weekend ‘visits’ (hate the word visits–time parents spend with children is actually called parenting) etc…All of which are arranged with care to help the children adjust to their new reality as the children of divorced parents.

But, what we don’t hear a lot about is the relationship between healthy, well adjusted kids and the overall financial arrangement between the parents. To my mind, the two are inextricably linked; two sides of the same coin.

Why?

Because, part of a responsible divorce is working out a financial plan that leaves both parents, while maybe not thrilled, okay with their financial plan.

It is important for the overall family dynamic that one parent doesn’t resent writing a check and the other doesn’t resent cashing it. How we get parents to that point is one of the ways mediation can be so helpful. (I can write another, more detailed post on the process).

The reason it is important is clear. Research shows that the kids who fare best long term are those who are exposed to the least amount of conflict. One of the biggest flash points of post-divorce conflict is routed in disappointment with financial outcomes. When parents are resentful and angry several things are likely to happen.

One is that they fight, and end up exposing kids to their stress, anger and fear. When kids are going through the divorce, they need to know their foundation is solid and if mom and dad continue to yell and scream and fight with each other, that foundation seems less solid to them. That is scary and isolating…

Another is that parents may start to communicate negative feelings about the other parent.

Why is this particularly bad for kids?

Because kids know that they are comprised of both of their parents; they are part mom and part dad. And, if mom or dad is an ‘asshole’ (excuse the language choice but it probably reflects reality) then part of them is too.

And, that, is really challenging for kids to grapple with.

Further, it makes kids question their own judgment because they love both their parents. And if one says the other is not worthy of that love because they are a ‘bad person’, then a child can lose confidence and trust in their own feelings. That is unfair to a child and horribly confusing.

So, the bottom line is that parents need to take responsibility for the communication (with professional support) required to execute a responsible financial settlement. If they do, they might just have the divorce they said they wanted and not the one they said they didn’t.

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MediateTrix Post IV: What is a successful divorce?

What is a successful divorce?

Is success measured in the amount of money you walk away with?

Is it measured by how badly, deeply and truly you’ve hurt the other?

Before getting divorced, do people really think about their own definition of a successful outcome?

I think one of the main problems with the collective, mass media messaging about divorce is that divorce is most often described or reported as a fight. (See War of the Roses, Kramer v. Kramer, and most celebrity divorces reported in the press).

The problem with this is that fights have winners and losers.

What if we, as a society,  imagined divorce differently?

Now wait, before you start calling me a naive Pollyanna, hear me out.

I think divorce should be looked at the same way a company is viewed by consultants advising it on restructuring–logically, semi-detached, with an eye on what is best for the bottom line.

In a corporate setting the bottom line is money. But in a divorce, the bottom line is different. What if the bottom line in a divorce was successful co-parenting?

What if divorce was actually about the financial, emotional and physical restructuring of a family. And what if the reason for that restructuring was to support post-divorce co-parenting?

Why is this so important? Because the latest studies show that kids who are exposed to the least amount of conflict do the best long term. Kids who have divorced parents who have a low conflict co-parenting relationship are shown to be vulnerable to the ‘bad stuff’ (drug abuse, suicide, low self-esteem etc…) at the same rate or level as kids from households with married parents. High conflict post divorce parenting causes that vulnerability to skyrocket.

That’s why we can and should imagine divorce in a different way, our kids deserve it. 

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