HuffPo published this article about infidelity today.
It got me thinking about the ways that mediation might be able to help a couple who is struggling with the complex and intense emotions related to an infidelity.
As a family mediator, I’ve come to realize that there is usually not a ‘bad guy’ and a ‘good guy’ in the case of an affair. That is not to diminish any of the related emotions or the feelings of betrayal and/or guilt experienced by the couple, just an observation I’ve made many times.
Often, not always, but often, an affair is a symptom of a larger relationship issue. Relationships are complicated and solutions are often complex as well.
Some couples, who are reluctant to try therapy, seek out ‘couples mediation’ to solve marital disputes. Couples mediation is a task oriented, focused conversation about creating a plan to move forward. It can be very effective to help couples have the challenging conversations that are needed to work past an infidelity or other marital problems. Mediation can be a medium in which the couple can talk, but also can make an action oriented plan.
I’m not in a position to pass judgment on whether engaging in an affair is a worse crime than other ways one can mistreat one’s spouse. I genuinely do not have an opinion. There are many different ways to hurt those that one loves the most. And, what matters most isn’t what I think about a set of circumstances, what matters is what the parties to the mediation think, after a process of informed decision making.
What I do know is that if there is a willingness to, an affair can be an opportunity to examine a relationship and see what, if anything, went wrong. It could be a chance to make what was an unhappy marriage a happier one.
Sometimes, an affair is a marriage ender.
But, it is way too rigid to make a blanket statement like “an affair will end my marriage” without a context. Marriages and families are complicated, and so is divorce.
That’s why it is beneficial not to have preconceived notions about affairs, and to view them as one of many problems that a couple can face. I know an affair can cause a pain that pierces through the reality of what a person thought their marriage was really about. There are, in some cases, however, ways to move forward stronger and better.
Forgone conclusions usually aren’t the best solutions to challenging problems.
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